Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 09:32:03 +1000

As i tore up and down the pool

Like a woman possessed

I discovered my feelings were

Not about sexual jealousy (a slight thread I confess)

But about my own sense of isolation from a world

Whose doorway I rarely make it through

But when I do

It gives me a charge headier than any drug

ANd I know that if I don't get through this doorway more often

My soul will dry up and life will not be worth living

Envy, yes

(St Pats, I expect not)

So in my envious state, it is difficult to restrain myself!

I liked being your "date" at art openings and the like

THe reality is, that I don't even get to find out about "events'

Let alone get to go to them.

So I feel envy, envy, envy

I have no connection to that world

And no credibility within it

Because to those people that inhabit the heady world of art school cool

I do not rate

And I guess the way I feel is that with you

Because I'm not an art school person

I actually only half rate.

Having an artistic soul

Is just not enough is it

You probably don't even see this in me

Because I don't have the right words, the right pictures, I don't even have

a medium do I?

I'm not sure how I overcome this feeling

I either seek the means by which to transport myself into a world

that although I find stimulating, I also think, is often a self indulgent

wank

Or maybe I should lock myself away in my garage

And demonstrate my own abilities

So that I am no longer talk but action

ANd go forth

ANd perhaps some people will see me as something

More than a dull lawyer type

I guess I include myself amongst the "some people"

Yeh I feel inadequate

Yeh I feel jealous

I guess I need to become an art school groupy

So that I can find out about exciting events

It really really pisses me off big time

Is there an exclusion policy?

Is anything actually publicised?

Or do you have to part of some

Sacred inner circle

To gain entry

Perhaps I will go and splash myself around

as Performance ARt

At the next fine evening

And I just started the section

FOR MADMEN ONLY *

I read this to include mad (angry) women

Do you reckon I've got PMT now???

K

* Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf